no.12 “two gays at a party”

„You’ll absolutely love them, I’m sure of it!“ I was telling Antonia when I picked her up from the church square by her apartment and the two of us boarded a bus to the heart of College Town, Dresden, which is pretty much the whole neighborhood of Südvorstadt-Ost. I was taking her to a party some of my theater friends threw, and she was acting even more grumpy than usual. 

The last couple of months I had been living my best life. During the day, when I was not reading Goethe and Norman Mailer for homework, I was spending my time with Antonia, together shopping for unbelievably cheap second hand clothes at Humana, getting day-drunk in Alaunpark between slack lines and yoga groups, or feasting on 4€ whole pizzas from nearby Eva’s, a small pizza joint serving about 200 variations whose eponymous owner was a 35-year old German-Italian woman with a giant black mole on her left cheek that literally only hired 20-year old Abercrombie beauties, which is obviously the perfect business model, if you ask me. The evenings however were reserved for theater rehearsals and after-rehearsal beers. The amateur theater group at the university of Dresden consisted of about 40 active members and sort of a society of its own. Usually theater people are not your favorite breed but amateur theater people were the best of both worlds: without the nagging ambition and lack of self-assurance of most professional actors they were just very open and playful people. Not just to avoid staying home with my roommates did I divide all my time between Antonia and the theater group. I genuinely liked them. There was just one thing: my day friend and my night chums had never met before. Tonight was the night the two would finally shake hands.

A person who didn’t know Antonia would probably ask: „What of it? They’ll get along.“ But as I had known Antonia a fair amount of time, I knew that she could be picky when it came to accepting new people into her life. It’s not so much that she was judgmental, she just held very high standards for her own life and expected other people to meet them, too. One of the things I liked most about her was that her personal fight against injustice remained unapologetic through the strongest of headwind. That girl was fighting the good fight, and her leftist-liberal views were something I continue to aspire to. On the negative side that meant that certain on-the-fence jokes and vague statements didn’t really go down well with her. Once I laughed about a very funny joke mocking the short-sleeved shirts of bus drivers and she didn’t speak to me for the better part of a week. Bus drivers are people, too, she said. So I was a little worried when I brought her along to meet my theater friends who were a little more on the - let’s say - barbaric side.

The party was located in an urban socialist’s dream. A 17-story high concrete block built in the 1970s that somehow looked rigid and frail at the same time. My theater friends Moritz, Judith and Jo shared the small apartment and made the most out of its obvious functionality, its vinyl floors and gray ingrain wallpaper. The coffee table was a beer crate and the CD rack was made of three red bricks. When we entered Judith immediately ran towards us screaming my name and burying my in an embrace. Still in the embrace I looked over to Antonia. She sighed and rolled her eyes. This was gonna be a tough one. Nevertheless I smiled and made the introductions. Judith answered by saying: „Hello I’m Judith, over there on the wall you can see an imprint of my tits.“ 

As we approached the mentioned part of the wall Antonia took off her jacket, for a moment pondered where she could put it, looking around at dirty shoes and empty bottles, and decided to just hold on to it. „Yes, aren’t they magnificent? A unique and spectacular marvel. Such a beautiful pair of breasts.“ Moritz had joined us in gazing at the wall. He had said it like David Attenborough would say it when discovering a dodo’s foot print, which I thought was hilarious but Antonia rolled her eyes so far back she was probably staring at her own skull by now. „And right next to it are Moritz’ and Jo’s dicks.“ I gasped. What a twist. The four of us stood in front of the wall, taking in the abstract green, red and yellow shapes on the bleak wallpaper. „So wait, does this mean you painted your naked bodies and pressed them against the wall?“ Antonia asked, trying really hard not to sound freaked out. „Yes, it was a fun Tuesday night.“ Moritz replied somewhat proudly. „Maybe you’re on to something, this is quite good.“ I joked to Judith. „Hm! Yeah we see ourselves very much like a sexualized version of Basquiat, you know?“ Judith took over, this time imitating an annoying bohemian artiste. Antonia sighed: „Yeah right, cause it’s all just a joke,“ and then went out onto the balcony to smoke. „What’s up with her?“ Judith asked. „She’s studying art history,“ I said. „I guess she somehow feels personally attacked.“ „Bullshit, we’re making fun of everything. That’s my dick right there, haha. See?“ Moritz said.

„It can be overwhelming to witness your friend’s close bond to an entirely different group of people, and see that you’re not the only anchor for him in this new and exciting city“ is what I could have said to Antonia when I followed her out onto the balcony after I grabbed a beer from the bathtub. In hindsight, her situation probably wasn’t all that easy, either. What I said instead was: „What’s your problem?“ like the basic blonde bitch I was. Antonia put out her cigarette and decided it was best if she left. 

Back in the hallway she was putting on her black chucks and checking her coat for her personal items. „I’m sorry, this is not really for me.“ She said with a slight shrug.

„What’s wrong? Why do you not like them? They’re fun.“ I replied.

„I don’t know… it’s fine if you like them, they’re your friends. I just think they’re a little… rural. And regressive.“

„Regressive? They printed their genitals on the wall.“

„Exactly!“ Antonia said exasperatedly, shocked that I didn’t know what she meant.

„I just would have loved for my friends to get along with each other, so we could all hang out.“ I explained, naive as I was.

Antonia blinked several times. „They are your friends. They don’t have to be mine. We’re not the same person.“

In that exact moment Judith appeared next to me, pulled my sleeve and devilishly grinned at me. „My gay best friend from Brandenburg is here tonight.“

„Oh I forgot, when two gays are at the same party they necessarily have to hook up. It’s gay law,“ Antonia interjected. 

Judith just shrugged. „That’s not what I meant. But he was asking about you.“ She looked at me. I concentrated on Antonia.

„Look, if we liked the same people-„

„You’re obsessed! You’re obsessed with something. I just can’t figure out with what yet… harmony?“ And with that Antonia pulled the door shut behind her. 

Judith and I stared at the door, surprised by this outburst of emotion. „Maybe she has a crush on you. I didn’t know you were gay when I first met you,“ said Judith. 

I turned around and faced the party. „I’m not sure everything has to do with attraction all the time. Anyway, where’s this ‚other gay person’?“ Judith was all smiles again. 

First I needed some air. I jumped over someone’s legs to get back out onto the balcony. It had gotten dark. I had the urge to slap someone, preferably Antonia, but the woman had a point. The happy-go-lucky picture of a perfect ersatz family consisting of all my new friends was a fantasy. Real life didn’t work that way. Not that forming an ersatz family wasn’t possible in real life, but demanding to be at the absolute center of it was fantastical. Looking out onto the sporadically lit industrial part of the city from the twelfth floor, I realized that. But the decision I made that night ran contrary to that realization. I decided that there had to be something simple, non-complex and fantastical in my life, and since it couldn’t be relationships or friendship, I decided it was gonna be something I believed to be in total control of: my sexuality. From now on being gay was gonna be a party in itself. My very own moveable feast.

I turned to face the window and looked inside. A guy with blue horn-rimmed glasses was staring at me. I smiled at him. He smiled back. 

„I’m a friend of Judith’s,“ he said when he came out and joined me, crumbling some weed onto a paper. 

„Nice, me too,“ I replied. 

His full name consisted of two first names, which I always think is great fun: Fritz Herrmann. He told me he went to school with Judith and still lived in their small hometown in Brandenburg. I could tell he was nervous, but so was I.

„Great view, huh?“ I said and took a drag.

„The best in town. Can you see those small blue-green lights all the way back there?“ He asked, pointing with the joint. „That’s Siemens.“

„How romantic.“ He passed the joint and I laughed.

Fritz Herrmann and I spent the next hours getting absolutely hammered, playing drinking games with the others and almost, but never really, making out. Flirting with a guy at a party was fun! This was another first for me. It all happened so naturally. Well, except maybe for Judith’s obvious matchmaking at the beginning of the party when she had told Fritz about my sexuality and me about his and then kept pushing us toward each other during the rest of the night.

By dawn almost all of the guests had left. Moritz and Judith were slow-dancing to a Schlager in the living room, next to the curled up and sleeping Jo, spooning another theater friend, Kim with the pirate hair. Fritz Herrmann said he would leave. I hesitated, then asked him if I could come with. Stumbling, we took the elevator down to the ground floor and stepped out into bright sunlight. There was a small car parked on the curb, an ancient silver Fiat, and Fritz Herrmann stopped next to it. He took out his keys and slurred: „We go to your place?“

My mouth fell open: „You’re still gonna drive? We had like 25 Pfeffis.“

„Yes. You coming?“ He said and threw himself into the driver’s seat.

I put my hand on my forehead to block out the sun and looked back up the twelve floors we had just come down. For a moment there I thought I would lose it and throw up all over the front steps of this lovely sinful GDR tower. But then I didn’t. I burped, and got into the car.